So here, I will attempt to explain a bit more of who I am, on the inside if not on the outside. Perhaps, through this page, you can gain a glimpse into the why behind the what that is my transition.
The Younger Years (Age 05-07)
I was your typical good little girl, I won't lie about that. Mom dressed me up in 'pretty' things and I wore them without much complaint. I never really liked them, though. They always felt... a bit weird. Restricting my movement and keeping me from doing anything that I wanted to do. But it was what girls wore, Mum told me. And I was a girl. Therefore it should be what I wore too, right? Hey, the logic made sense to a little kid.
Besides, I couldn't really have much complaint since we were living in Europe for that time. And there, everything's just... different. I didn't have much to say on the matter anyway. I mean hell, younger kids are mostly genderless anyway.
Terror of the Tomboy (Age 07-09)
I started school in the United States when I was 7. I found my niche as the embodiment of a tomboy. It was just so much more comfortable to me, and Mother accepted it with some persuasion and pouting.
The crowd that I hung with in and out of class was a tight-nit group of four kids. We were made up of, two boys, myself, and another 'uber-tomboy' (who I've sadly lost contact with) friend. We were typical nerdy elementary school kids. And we stuck together and stuck up for each other no matter what.
Recess and lunch were spent talking about Digimon and Pokemon, thinking about elaborate fighting games that the teachers wouldn't yell at us for, and generally acting like any other group of would-be nerdboys our age. We were slightly outcast from the rest of the class, I'll admit. But we didn't care. We were happy how we were and that was that. We didn't care what anyone else thought or did. We were in our own little world.
Failed Attempts At Femme (Age 10)
Hanging out with my aunt shortly after my 10th birthday, in retrospect, was one of the worst things I could have done. She told me I wasn't 'enough of a girl' and saw fit to give a complete makeover to me, my mentality, and my wardrobe. I was forced back to school that year with 'better fitting' shirts, various skirts and even a few dresses. I listened to Radio Disney because that's what I was told was 'normal'. But... I just couldn't deal with it.
For the most part, I'd wear the same few outfits over and over again. I'd either wear one of the pairs of pants that I had managed to hold onto along with a random shirt or compromise with a cargo skirt and loose t-shirt. It was better than nothing, but I still felt... restricted and fake. I learned that when you dress like a girl, people treat you like a girl. And I hated that.
I wasn't some weak little sissy who ran screaming from the worms like the girls did! I was the opposite! I'd pick them up, watch them flop around on my hand, and then dig them a little hole to go back into with my free hand. Luckily, my closest friends still knew who I was. ...Even if it bothered me to watch one of my friends become more and more like 'one of the girls' every day, instead of being like us. Point was, I was still just one of 'them'. Not a sissy, not a girl, just... me. And I could deal with that.
Rebelling Against Gender (age 11)
-TO BE WRITTEN-
Focusing Elsewhere (Age 12-13)
I won't pretend I didn't dream of waking up one day without that monthly curse once it started. I won't pretend I didn't wish for waking up one day without those two ever-growing lumps of jiggles on my chest. I won't pretend I didn't think, every day, about taking matters into my own hand and cutting those lumps off. Why? Because I did. I dreamed it, I wished it, I thought it. I hated who I was more and more every day. I knew I wasn't 'one of the girls' more and more every day. But I didn't think there was anything I could do about it.
-TO BE WRITTEN-
Just One Of The Guys (Age 14)
-TO BE WRITTEN-
Finding A Title (Age 15)
-TO BE WRITTEN-
Starting To Cross Over (Age 16)
-TO BE WRITTEN-
Continuing The Journey (Age 17)
-TO BE WRITTEN-
Planning Ahead (Age Whenever)
-TO BE WRITTEN-
